i am trying to remember you
let you go
the same time
—— the mourn
This winter I had a compulsion to make a series of objects in a new way. My hands moved and built these forms/vessels. The surfaces dimpled and soft, showing the history of the making, the mark of my hand. I didn't know why exactly, but it was important to me to show these things. I struggle with perfectionism and to leave the surface so raw made me feel vulnerable.
The forms slowly revealed themselves. The shape they took was in long warbling teardrops. I was moving into a new place of mourning the loss of my love. The year anniversary of his death was approaching. New levels of sadness and pain came through the well of me, deep in the center where that pure water is kept.
There was an intense internal struggle between feelings of profound longing for him and also wanting to move on. It wasn't in an attempt to forget him, it was to distance myself from that pain. I hold the memory of him in precious joy but paired with that is this sadness of loss. We shared so many finite beautiful moments, the nowness of which contains it in the capsule of tears.
The beauty is there though, it sustains me. The energy is present in spite of earthly bodies. So we move on now to the heavenly ones, traveling beyond like forgotten radio signals deep into the cosmos.